By Stevie Little
“If you don’t stay in the hospital, are you prepared to have a still born?”
This question was after the third time I had been admitted to the hospital during my pregnancy. I was 37 weeks, and I felt like I was being manipulated to submit to the doctor’s convenience or preferences while mine were not being considered. I had two options: continue my three high-risk appointments plus add two additional appointments for monitoring, or stay in the hospital to monitor the baby until delivery. Considering the discomfort and isolation I was experiencing in the hospital in comparison to the actual amount of monitoring I was given, the cost/benefit analysis for the hospital was not my choice.
Her chilling question was followed by my immediate and almost over-confident response, “Yes.” She was shocked. To be honest, I was a little shocked too. After more discussion, I stood by my answer: “Then I would like to continue my regularly scheduled appointments. I will admit myself if I don’t feel any more kicks or at any point find it necessary.” She said “alright” and walked out.
How could I be so confident in my decision? It may seem selfish to choose my comfort over the life of my baby. To tell you the truth, I have to fight back those intrusive thoughts regularly when I look back on my pregnancy. I am 1,000% confident that my “Yes” response was driven by the Holy Spirit (hence the shock I had in myself).
My baby had a cardiomyopathy. Anatomically its heart was great but not strong enough to pump blood through the body regularly. Its heart was working overtime (to put it simply). Cardiomyopathy for children and adults is not uncommon but in utero is rare. Most cases my doctors had seen were difficult cases. There was a huge range of possible outcomes, including a long NICU stay waiting for a transplant or a stillborn. Our goal was for the baby to continue in my womb for as long as possible and be induced at the sign of any stress on the heart or change in heart function. I had so many appointments because my doctors wanted to know the exact state of the baby’s heart function to catch any change and act accordingly. You may notice I am using neutral language when referring to the baby. We had waited to find out the gender, so when I put myself back into my headspace, it feels disingenuous to be specific.
To go back in time a little, the weight of my pregnancy complications set in after my 20-week anatomy scan. The doctors could not see all four chambers of the heart and saw other reasons to be concerned. My husband and I were caught off guard but had hope and trust in the Lord. I followed up with a specialist and his (or her?) team who decided to send me to CHOA (Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta). This hit me even harder. Leaving the specialist by myself, I cried as soon as I got in the car. I was terrified for my baby and mad my first pregnancy was turning into this mess. I cried at home for hours. When my husband got home I presented the situation clearly and mostly unemotionally. As we talked about it more, I began to crumble again. My sweet husband was kind, nurturing, encouraging, and focused on strengthening our relationship through the terrifying unknown.
Through my tear-filled, prayerful frustration, my husband had faith it was going to be okay–we just needed to keep praying. We needed to trust in the Lord that He would heal our baby. All I could do was weep. Through God’s perfect timing, I had just finished Laura Story’s book, When God Doesn’t Fix It. Laura’s life testifies to the fact that God may not fix your situation, but he can fix you in the midst of your situation. At that moment I thought of the verse “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom… “ (Proverbs 9:10 ESV), and I believe this is the first time I truly felt the intensity of the meaning of that scripture. I knew we could and would pray for the Lord to heal our baby; but I was upset because I realized that God could heal our baby’s heart, but did not have to yield to our desire.
We had seen God’s faithfulness throughout our lives. Just previously, I was able to quit my job even before we knew I was pregnant. There was peace and rest from listening to the Holy Spirit and pursuing the will of God. We knew God had a plan and we knew His will would be done. Whether that meant our baby would not be healed entirely, or if we had long hospital stays and surgeries for a heart transplant ahead of us, or even if we lost the baby, we had to be okay with whatever came our way as we surrendered to God’s control. We knew all that would transpire was according to His will. We sat in this for a moment, and we clung to the Lord’s will then and for the duration of the pregnancy.
(More of the story to come.)
